24/03: No More Diets...No More Disciples...Row-Z has Found Her Religion

Row-Z and Dan take a 70 miler in prep for the AIDS LifeCycle Ride

So, I was at the gym this morning staring at perpetuvision titillated beyond one’s wildest imaginings by the prospect of enlightenment and the perfect azz, which could be mine,…without!...I’ll say it again…without!..going to the gym or going to church!

Think about it…no more diets! no more disciples!

I am not a religious person and although my Catholic mother would cringe at the thought of this, I was really excited and gave the idea some serious consideration. I mean it was 5:15 AM and I had an Easter basket full of salvation at home!

Thinking better of abandoning my treadmill…I turned up Madonna's “Like a Virgin” on my MP3 and thought about the 70-mile training ride Dan and I busted out over the weekend to prepare for the AIDS/Lifecycle.

Talk about enlightenment and the prospect of a perfect body…70 miles between Portland and the Woman’s Forum in the Columbia Gorge and back along the Columbia River is religion!

The Columbia River Gorge Bike Map landmarks the Historic Columbia River Highway, the Woman’s Forum where we were headed, the Vista House at Crown Point, and Multnomah Falls just to name a few.

The map is thorough in it’s direction from Portland to Troutdale and points east…and along with information regarding climate, weather, route, and elevation, provides great tips for riding in areas of a narrow shoulder; essential “bring alongs”; and insights to camping, picnicking, and lodging one-self for a day or weekend ride.

This is a super resource and I wish I had learned of the map before our sunny Saturday morning ride.

So, while Dan contemplated our route I was thinking about the last time I was on my bike and all the second hand, grab-and-go, late night, one for the roads that went into the hole between Athens and Portland; the Castro, and Easter…yeeeeccchhh!

I drifted off, wondering what a chocolate bunny would look like in a girdle? You see, the magic girdle…they were selling…this morning…at the gym…is multi-purpose. It works, kind of like smoke and mirrors and can deliver the tight flanks, boob job AND the Angelina brood we all so desire for only $29.99 and we never have to diet or workout again...ever!

There is a reason these commercials are on a 5:00 AM Homer!

So back to the ride and our route that took us out of Northeast Portland toward the Springwater Corridor, part of a 40-mile loop extending from southeast Portland to Boring, Oregon.

The Springwater Corridor began as a commuter railway in 1903 delivering folks from downtown Portland to outlying communities. The rail carried passengers through the 1950’s when autos became a preferred method of travel. Now, the multi-purpose trail serves a recreating public of Portland and the burgeoning Metro area.

Presently, portions of the corridor are under construction so Dan and I were diverted to a detour through residential areas of Metro Portland. Once we regained the main corridor, we rode it to where the sidewalk ends near Rugg Road outside of Gresham, Oregon.

The route winds its way up 267th Avenue, crossing Highway 26, and into Gresham. A number of busy roads can be followed through Gresham and none are ideal. We choose a route along Stark Street, passing the Mount Hood Community College.

Eventually, any route will force one toward Interstate 84 and the Troutdale Outlet Mall and just before you get sucked into the vortex of shopping megamallmania you will turn into downtown Troutdale and toward the Historic Columbia River Highway. If you miss this just head toward the on-ramp of the interstate because your chances of surviving I-84 are much better than surviving the outlets.

Out of Troutdale the ride travels through Springdale and Corbett, two burgs that offer home town opportunity for distraction and refreshment at Big Bears and the Corbett Country Markets.

I grew up in rural Pennsylvania so I love country markets and the prospect of ice cream, whoopee pies, licorice and carmel corn...all one really needs when riding 70 miles. So, of course we stopped and while Dan enjoyed his third Laura-Powa-Luny-Cliv bar and Gew packet I went inside and got me a fudgicle…and wasn't a fudgcicle…”cicle” is too close to “cycle” and at this point anything that could deliver as much pleasure as a fudgicle was no where near my cycle!

Pulling out of Springdale and into a 25 mph head wind, we cruised just five short miles up hill to our turnaround at the Women’s Forum. You will see from our photo we were smiling at this point because the ride home was really a coast in a tailwind along Marine Drive and the Columbia River.

We ended the serious part of our ride in the Kenton Neighborhood of Portland where we stopped at a favorite pizza joint. Pizza Fino! It was all better than communion and you know I'm really thinking about cancelling that girdle.

Hey dont forget to check us out at

Comments made

No comments yet

Add comment

This item is closed, it's not possible to add new comments to it or to vote on it